It’s Mother’s Day again, that very special day
We all like to celebrate in our own unique way
Some moms like to spend the day on their own
Some time to regroup, some time all alone
Some go for a picnic in the park with their clan
Some wait for their kids to come up with a plan
Their husbands go out and buy them a gift
Hoping their efforts will give mom a lift
A nice dinner out so we don’t have to cook,
One day of the year we are let off the hook
Cold coffee and burnt toast delivered in bed
A construction paper crown placed upon my head
Last year was a brewery for Mother’s Day lunch
Not the plan this year, that’s just my hunch
This year I’ll be sober for almost two years
The last thing I’d like is to be surrounded by beers
Flowers are nice, and jewelry is too
But what I actually want, they haven’t a clue
It’s really quite simple, I think you’ll agree
A small list of things you can all do for me
Take out the garbage, pick up your crap
Stop screaming and fighting while I try to just nap
Put your dishes in the sink, or even better yet,
The dishwasher would be a much smarter bet
What’s that? How do you know if it’s dirty or clean?
I’ll tell you it’s easy, and I don’t mean to be mean
Just open the damn door, and take a good look
Are they shiny and clean or covered in gook?
What other questions keep you from doing your part?
Ask me what you need to, I’m really quite smart
Where is the vacuum? Where is the broom?
It’s not that hard, they’re in the same room.
You can’t put things away, where do they go?
If you try really hard, I think you’ll see that you know
You can’t reach? It’s too high to put that away?
Let me introduce you to your friend Mr. Stepladder today.
But where should I put my lax stick? My ball? My glass?
You know where you can put them? Right up your …..
Put your dirty clothes in the hamper, your clean clothes away
And no, that’s not dirty, you wore it for 5 seconds today
Picking up doesn’t mean shove it under your bed
Or hide it away in your closet instead
You ask for a dog, a cute little puppy,
But you can’t even take care of our poor stinking guppy
It swims in its tank, all covered in green
Waiting for someone to make it all clean
I’ll get right on that, as soon as I’m free,
2026 looks like that’s when I may be
Put away the cereal, the milk and the bread
No, don’t leave it out “for the next person” instead
Just once do your homework, without being told
Over and over, it gets really old
I’m tired of tripping over your boots and your shoes
The fact that we have closets is really old news
Oh no, by all means, leave those chips on the floor
I’m sure I saw that look featured in this month’s Elle Decor
A bubble bath and a candle and a nice little snack
With little green army guys digging into my back
Or a night on the couch with popcorn and a movie
That gum stuck under the cushion sure feels really groovy
Ok, you know what would be a really good goal?
My friends Ben and Jerry filled up in a bowl
I’ll just go to the kitchen and get it myself
But wait, there isn’t a clean bowl to be found on the shelf
They’re all in the dishwasher covered in food
It hasn’t been run, now here goes my mood
I’ll just get a spoon and eat the whole thing
I’d rather have ice cream than any more bling
So I open the freezer –the ice cream has all been eaten
For Mother’s Day there will now be a nice family beatin’
I can live without clean floors or a nice empty sink
But there is one thing that will push me right over the brink
You ate my damn ice cream, my Mother’s Day prize
I was really looking forward to it going right to my thighs
That was the last straw, a low blow, a slap in the face
A trip to the spa, now that may be the right place
Just go play your Minecraft, your Sims and your Wii
Don’t worry at all about Mother’s Day for me
You’re really good kids, and I am a lucky mom it’s true
Now go play in the street before I ground you.